Don O'Neill presides over the wedding of Lamont Hill and Scott Clotier.

Since the state Supreme Court decision to legalize same sex marriages in Connecticut, declaring a violation of equal protection law and the unconstitutionality of heterosexual marriage only as well as civil unions, it seems that very little discussion has taken place on the subject. Is it that same-sex marriage is no longer a controversy? No longer a newsworthy topic?

News media aside, I have personally encountered a deafening silence in regards to one of the most historic decisions not only for the gay community, but society at large. I think that once the law was enacted and now that the initial weddings are over, the media, for one, has lost interest in this matter. Those of us who this directly affects however, (and not just those of us planning on marriage; rather, this is about what rights we have as gay and lesbian people) certainly need to be aware, pay attention and give support to this enormous event. Understandably, there is dissention within the gay community over the validity of gay marriage.

Let's look at the issues. We had, and still have, civil unions in the state, encompassing the same rights and privileges as married couples — minus the religious attachment (for some, a positive thing); Divorce rates for "traditional" marriages are higher than ever, with more than half of all marriages ending in divorce; marriage was established as an institution between a man and a woman and has endured through the years as such — it is based on a heterosexual paradigm, an institution built up and maintained by straight people. People then ask: is this something we really want to emulate? Are we just trying to assimilate ourselves into a model designed and regulated by people and a system trying to keep us out?

Let me be clear, I wish to only lay out what some of us believe regarding same sex marriage in general. Certainly, some valid arguments can be made against it, and it would be impossible not to feel this tension between equality and individuality—our non-conforming spirit that has guided us well over the years. Yet, I feel very strongly that, no matter how theoretically compelling these preceding arguments are, same-sex marriage is by nature expressing our individuality and is forging a new path—one that is in no way compromised by trying to be apart of something that has traditionally been between one man and one woman.

We are trying to enter, and indeed legally have, into an existing model; yet, we are completely re-shaping it and re-defining its meaning, boundaries and implications. No longer does marriage mean simply between a man and a woman (at least in Conn.). No longer are we held at the threshold of marriage and turned away. And no longer does marriage imply only one narrow definition of sanctity. We are doing something important and new; even if marriage is not in our future, it should be a possible future for us all. Truly, this very notion is why there are so many harsh critics; ready to fight with every ounce of passion they have against what we are doing.

I was reading up on recent marriages the other day and read an article about the marriage of Scott Cloutier and Lamont Hill, wed on the deck of O'Neill's Brass Rail in new London. Fittingly, Don O'Neill performed the ceremony, as he is not only the owner of that fine establishment, but also a Justice of the Peace. It was a nice article about what seemed to be a lovely wedding. Then I read the comments section to the article. Not up for more than two days and the article (printed in The New London Day) had generated over seventy responses from people. Of those seventy about 40% of the comments were negative. It was nice to see the majority on our side; yet, I bring this up to point out the severity of condemnation arising from a wedding. Some particularly nasty comments included:

"I am disturbed at the celebration of a deviant and unnatural lifestyle."

"I'm feeling very sick. The gay community is taking society down the toilet…Today it's two men getting ‘married,' tomorrow there'll be three men ‘loving each other' and want to get married."

"Go back into the closet. Stop advertising this nonsense. It's not natural and shouldn't be considered anything but shameful."

In addition to these, there were two "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve," one "It's not Adam and Adam" (I personally like Adam and Steve better, at least it rhymes) and a few random, short responses: "disgusting," "Wrong" and "GAY IS NOT THE WAY." They can't even come up with anything clever or original to write. I mean, gay is not the way: really??? All joking aside, the majority of these negative comments were vicious and disgusting, really expressing some people's deep seeded hatred for what we are doing. All the more reason to keep it going, keep pushing forward.

What some people cannot handle is that we are disrupting their "sanctity," their concrete system that has held for so many years. Yet, something so unchanged, carried through the years, needs to be torn down from time to time, re-established and re-created with new principles and with a renewed understanding. This is probably the most difficult thing in the world for most people. I'm not just speaking of gay marriage, but more generally. Whenever some solid brick is removed, a brick that is a firmly held belief, something that people invest their faith on, their entire wall of belief comes crashing in. Marriage is one of those bricks. And people's value system, their entire understanding of the world, is based upon such bricks. When the foundation is removed (even one brick at a time), they have nothing to support their system. People get scared, lash out and defend their structure tooth and nail. Too fucking bad. This is a necessity of any productive society, one that must change as the time changes, building anew from the rubble of the old. Any belief system that holds fellow humans at arms length, that casts us into the shadows and negates our given right to live free as equals in the same society, and any belief system where people cannot live together in a loving relationship is in dire need of change, of an awakening. Marriage has this power; it has the ability to be a driving force and a beacon of light for an entire re-evaluation of what it means to live and to love, to reshape our perception as a people—not less-than or separate but equal, or other, but as the same.

Marriage is so much more than just a name, more than something that bonds two people by law and by love. Marriage is an institution (and a changing one at that) that carries with it respect, recognition and validation—it is a powerful, legitimizing force. Partner, lover, boyfriend—these designations in no way capture the essence of marriage, they fall far short. What we know, the connotations we attribute to what we know, and how we encounter what we know in this world are all determined by our language and by the words we speak (if not what else?). Meaning comes from definitions, descriptions, and interpretations in all forms of writing, speaking and conveying signs. Same sex marriage, over any other word, carries with it the strength and power to evoke new meaning and new understandings of what it means to be gay and of what it means to be human. Congratulations to all those newly married couples, intentionally or unintentionally, fighting the good fight—but more importantly, pursuing love over all boundaries.