"The Perfect Baby Handbook" by Dale Hrabi
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The child of a friend had a melt-down at the park last week. It was one of those screech-fests that left your ears ringing for days.

Your college roommate’s daughter demands that her parents buy her whatever she wants – and she wants it all. The child of a coworker runs around like a wildcat, ruining every event her Mommy brings her to. And that kid down the street, well, you’re just about sure he’s the reincarnation of some evil despot.

Your kid will never be that way. No, you’ll raise a child with manners and civility. Your child will be perfect because you’re motivated and because you’re using “The Perfect Baby Handbook” by Dale Hrabi, illustrated by Kagan McLeod.

The first thing you plan to do is give your child a name that will set him or her apart. None of this “Madison” or “Jeffrey” stuff for your offspring. But even the most banal names need jazzing up, so Hrabi suggests using vowels and consonants in unique ways; thus, Mrk becomes Mirk and Bth becomes Boaith. Or you could combine your names, which works “if your name is C and your wife’s is Atherine.”

Your little miracle will have incredible self awareness, and a great sense of fashion. Still, if he starts hanging out with a bad crowd or secretly gets Botox injections due to his fear of aging, Hrabi has advice that can help.

Of course, this whole child-rearing thing isn’t all about the baby, you know. There are many suitable and very chic ways to wear an infant. Competitive Breast-Feeding may someday become an Olympic sport. It could happen, you know.

Once your baby has arrived, you’ll need gear.

Lots of it.

In fact, Hrabi says you can never be too cautious, so “acquire as much gear as your home can elegantly accommodate without exploding.” For those precious first steps, there’s an infant pedometer. Your baby will be well-protected with The Original Antibacterial Planet Cover. And remember – you can never have enough mobiles.

If all goes well, you’ll be planning a First Birthday party before you know it. Be sure to let the birthday child choose hors d’oeuvres and be careful what kind of crown you choose for your miracle’s little head. Anything too heavy – think: Queen Elizabeth – and you might strain someone’s precious neck.

I don’t suppose I need to tell you that “The Perfect Baby Handbook” is meant to be a tongue-in-cheek satire on the obsessiveness of uber-parents, do I?

Probably not. But I do wish it had been funnier.

Author Dale Hrabi possesses a scathing wit and a sharp eye when it comes to the excesses of Yuppie parents. The thing is, though I had an occasional chuckle or two from it, “The Perfect Baby Handbook” too-often descends into the realm of too-silly.

If you’re not a parent but are tired of the single-mindedness of friends who are, you may enjoy this book. If you’ve got a little one (or one on the way) put your money toward a wipey-warmer instead.

The Bookworm is Terri Schlichenmeyer. Terri has been reading since she was 3 years old and she never goes anywhere without a book. She lives on a hill in Wisconsin with two dogs and 11,000 books.