Don’t turn into one of those gay men, white or black, that do not date white men. Be open to all possibilities, regardless of race.
Dear Uncle Blabby,
I have this major crush on this guy who works out in the same cardio class as me. I’m somewhat shy but I really like him. What’s the best way to ask him out? I don’t know what to say. Help?
Johnnie,
West Hartford, Conn.
Dear Shy Johnnie,
You’d be less shy if you referred to yourself as John instead of Johnnie first of all. Now try to get a machine adjacent to his the next time you are both there together if you are using machines. If not, get there early, wait for him to arrive and stand near him. Find some excuse to engage him in conversation. You might start with, “wow, that’s a huge basket you have” or “such a nice chin to rest a pair of balls on.” Seriously though, find something, anything, like the weather, or the economy to start a conversation with him. If he responds positively, you are on your way. If not, use one of my first lines, as now you have nothing to lose.
Nice basket here,
Uncle Blabby
Dear Uncle Blabby:
I’m an attractive, 40-something professional single gay black man living in Connecticut. I look younger than my age and take relatively good care of myself. Once my straight female friends discover that I am gay and single, they literally jump to set me up on a date with one of their gay male friends in the area. I welcome the opportunities. In the straight world, especially in the African-American community, I am considered a terrific catch: a well-educated and clean-cut attorney. I own two homes and am financially secure. However, since my return to Connecticut, my love life has been, frankly, abysmal.
Recently, two of my girlfriends-both African-Americans, beautiful, well-educated, professional and fabulous-have made it their mission to set me up with one of their friends, another gay black man. His name is Brett. Both women described Brett in glowing terms: another well-educated, attractive gay black man living in New York City, heading up his own firm, etc. He, too, is in his forties. I must admit I was intrigued and very interested. One of the women called Brett to confirm if he, too, was interested in connecting with me. I was delighted to learn that he was interested in meeting me. My friend gave me Brett’s telephone number and told me to call him.
I eventually called Brett and we hit it off right away. We talked about our common interests, places we’ve vacationed, our families, etc. We had a wonderful conversation and learned we had a lot in common. I sensed that he was interested and he asked me what was my “type.” I screamed quietly to myself "you are my type!" I answered Brett’s question and told him what was really most important to me: a man with a good sense of humor. After I answered his question, I took a chance and asked him what was his type, thinking I would fit the bill.
Blabby, I was floored by Brett’s response. He did not say all the things I had expected him to say: "a sense of humor;" "intelligence;" "attractiveness;" etc. Do you know what his first response was to my question? The most important trait Brett admires in a man is his race. He said his “type” is a WHITE man! He felt compelled to explain that he is only attracted to WHITE men. After I questioned myself as to why he even took time to speak to me - knowing that I am not white - I found a polite way to terminate our telephone conversation. I promised to contact him on my next visit to New York. I called him once again, but the conversation was flat; I no longer was interested in the guy.
My question is this: what do I tell my friends each time they ask me when am I going to finally meet Brett. I avoid a lot of gay white men because of their hatred of black men and their racism. Many of these guys are obvious of their disdain for black men and I have nothing to do with them. However, I truly understand what motivates white racism and have learned strategies to protect myself by avoiding most gay white men, especially here in Connecticut. Of course, there is no way I want to have anything to do with a genuine “snow queen?” How do I communicate to straight people who may not understand that there are many gay men-white and black-who do not date gay black men. I don’t think my straight friends get it and I do not want to be put in this uncomfortable situation again.
Thinking of moving back to Washington, D.C.
Dear Thinking,
You are certainly in a quandary. I think the answer to your question is that you tell your girlfriends the truth. That said, I think the bigger issue here is not what you tell your girlfriends, but how you interact with people going forward.
Your letter gives me the impression that you too may be racist. Don’t turn into one of those gay men, white or black, that do not date white men. Be open to all possibilities, regardless of race. Keep looking for your man. He IS out there, and might be closer than you think.
Send questions to Uncle Blabby, c/o Metroline, 495 Farmington Avenue, Hartford, CT 06105 or e-mail keepintouch@metroline-online.com