Well here we are with the new administration everyone has been so eagerly awaiting that will miraculously correct everything that is wrong in the world.  True, the stock market continues on a downward slide.  True, more people are being laid off every day.  True, the new administration seems to have a problem finding people to fill the various government positions without some new scandal cropping up.  Okay, so the guy in charge of the IRS hasn’t paid taxes in several years, but who better to head the organization responsible for making sure everyone pays their taxes.  Like to old saying states: Set a thief to catch a thief (though with current technology we should probably change it to “Set an infrared-triggered, laser-targeted, twin belt-fed fully automatic submachine guns loaded with hollow-point ammo with optional trap door, pongee spike-lined pit attachment”) to catch a thief.   

So the new Justice for the Supreme Court believes that firefighters in Conn. should be promoted because of their ethnicity rather than their competence in fighting fires.   True, they can’t get a health care reform bill passed despite controlling both houses of the Congress.  But no doubt good times are going to arrive any day now because we now have a government willing to make unpopular decisions almost as though they were unconcerned about being re-elected and a Congress that’s spending money like there is no tomorrow.

Maybe they know something we don’t.   The next presidential election isn’t until 2012.  2012 ... Hmm.  Well that explains everything.  They aren’t worried about being re-elected because the world will end on December 21st, 2012.
For those of you not up on the current doomsday trend, I will explain. On Dec. 21, 2012, the Mayan Baktun Cycle comes to an end.  The Baktun cycle is the Mayan long-count calendar which lasts for 5125 solar years, and thus many people have chosen to believe that the ancient Mayans knew more than they were telling and knew that they wouldn’t need a calendar past that point because there wasn’t going to be anything past that point.  So on Dec. 21, 2012, the world ends.  At precisely 6:25 p.m., so you have time for one last after-work cocktail.

Now, for those of you not convinced by the Mayans, there are other phenomena indicating the End Is Nigh.  In 2012 there will be a cosmic alignment of the Earth and the sun with the center of the Milky Way, galaxy which hasn’t occurred for 6500 years.  Also, after 2160 years, the constellation visible on the morning of the Spring Equinox will change from Pisces to Aquarius. (Yes, it really will be the dawning of the Age of Aquarius.) That will occur in ... you guessed it, 2012!

Mind you, the constellation visible on the morning of the Spring Equinox depends on if you are in the northern or southern hemisphere and which direction you happen to be facing; plus the Mayan Long Count calendar is 5125 years long and the current Hebrew year is 5769, which means that the world last ended in the Hebrew year of 647 and apparently they either forgot to mention it or they just didn’t notice.

Of course, random astronomical occurrences aren’t the only indications that the end of the world is coming.  In the 1940s, several Hopi tribes were taught there would be signs and portents foretelling that the end of the world was imminent.  Among these would be hotter temperatures (got those, thanks Al Gore!), drought & famine (well, we always have those occurring somewhere in the world), geological upheaval (earthquakes & tsunamis anyone?), a third World War (how many countries have to be involved for it to count as a “world” war?), a spider-web crisscrossing the earth (the “www” at the front of the address to my favorite online porn sites stands for what?  Anyone?  Anyone? ), and that a dwelling place in the heavens will crash to earth falling as a blue star (has anyone checked the orbit of the international space station lately?  I’m only asking.).

So the world is going to end and apparently soon.  How will that affect you?  What steps can you take to make the best of it?  Let’s face it; we just aren’t the storing-up-canned-food, building-an-underground-bunker type of people.  How we will face the end of the world will have to depend on which of the various apocalypses are going to occur.  Just what is the best doomsday scenario for the gay culture?  Our choices are:

1) Killer Asteroid
2) Super Volcano Eruption
3) 82-Foot Rise in Sea Levels
4) Coronal Mass Ejection (that’s a really big-ass solar flare)
5) Reversal or Shifting of the Earth’s Magnetic Poles
6) Nuclear Attack

Let’s look at the least troublesome first: a massive rise in sea levels.  Fine, we lose South Beach, but we gain Mount Stratton in Vermont as beachfront property.  Plus think of the decorating ideas when we are all living on houseboats! There will be fresh seafood at every party.  Hookups will be just that as you moor your boat alongside the boat of your current trick or, if you are kinky, you can meet in dinghies ... just so long as we aren’t expected to dress like Kevin Costner in that dreadful Waterworld movie.  

Killer Asteroids & Super Volcano Eruptions basically result in the same effect of raising huge amounts of dust into the atmosphere and blocking out the rays of the sun.  So what?  It’s not that big a deal.  I have a membership to a tanning salon and my local headshop sells enough Grow-lites that I can convert the basement into an organic farm.  Think of the fun that can be had hiring farmhands.  So unless the asteroid actually hits you or you are standing on the volcano when it blows, I don’t see this as much of a problem.  Since the super volcano most likely to erupt is the Yellowstone caldera (better known as Yellowstone National Park), I just plan on spending 2012 on the eastern side of the Mississippi River.

Coronal Mass Ejection (big-ass solar flare) results in the opposite problem that we get from Killer Asteroids & Super Volcanoes – too much sun.  But I am confident that sunscreen SPF 257 should take care of it.   It will also interfere with satellites, which mean that your cell phone, television and radio will not function properly.  Of course, with cable TV and iPods, it’s really only the cell phone that’s a problem.  Since most gays have their entire lives on their cell phone (just check MySpace or Facebook and see how many messages there are each day from persons who have lost their cells, as a result don’t have anyone’s phone numbers or e-mail addresses and need people to resend them so they can be entered into the new phone without, of course, being backed up somewhere so that in two months when the same person loses their phone again, they need to have everyone resend the info again) this is probably the most disastrous thing that could occur.

This brings us to Reversal or Shift of the Earth’s Magnetic Poles.  Basically, the Earth will either flip over or roll onto its side (if an orb can be said to have a side).  If it flips over, then North becomes South and South becomes North.  Australia becomes England and England becomes Australia.  So far, I’m not seeing any problem other than a few Boy Scouts who didn’t take the compass update course will get lost in the woods for a few days and have more time to explore each other.  Oh, and you will have to re-Feng Shui your apartment.

On the other hand, if the poles simply shift, then the polar areas become equatorial and the vice versa.  Again this really isn’t a big deal unless you live in Hawaii, in which case you want to stock up on warm clothes and surfing won’t be much fun anymore unless you like dodging icebergs.  On the other hand, you will be able to go skiing down Mauna Kea.  For those of you who don’t know what Mauna Kea is ... it’s a great big volcano.   Oh, and you will still have to re-Feng Shui your apartment.

This brings us to nuclear attack.  This is probably the best form of Armageddon for the gay community.  To begin with, the most probable form of nuclear attack an above ground burst in a major city.  Most likely New York.  This means that we will lose Broadway, but let’s be honest, we lost Broadway to the Disney Corporation years ago and frankly I really don’t care if the casts of the Lion King and Mary Poppins go up in a puff of radioactive smoke.  The only real problem is the EMP burst (that’s Electro-Magnetic Pulse for those of you that don’t watch Stargate Atlantis) will knock out all the computers in the area.  So go out tomorrow and buy another computer, leave it in the box in your closet (EMP bursts only affect computers that are running), so that when your current system crashes, you can set up the new one and be back on ManHunt in a matter of moments.

Now let’s take a look at the actual benefits of a nuclear attack.  First of all, you can stop paying for a membership to the tanning salon.  Two minutes a day outside without protective clothes should be enough to give you that nice healthy glow.  Second, you can stop paying for a gym membership.  Walking around all day wearing lead-lined protective garments will be enough of a workout for anyone.  And speaking of garments, all the leather guys will be all set to live out their Mad Max Road Warrior fantasies.  Admit it you guys, every time you put on your chaps and harness you really hope to run into Tina Turner wearing a dress made out of old beer can pull-tabs and then to climb onto a motorcycle with a blond mohawked twink. Third, one of the first things that happens when you get a good dose of radiation is your hair fails out.  Think of how much you will save on product and how much more room you will have in the bathroom without all the shampoos, conditioners, gels, rinses, sprays, brushes, combs, etc.

So, according to the Mayan calendar we have a little over three years to prepare for the end of the world, and hopefully this article has helped you to plan ahead for the apocalypse of your choice.  I just want to point out one thing to the people who take the whole Mayan calendar thing seriously.  Take a real good look at the calendar.  It’s a circle.  As it ends, it starts again, just without champagne and a big shiny ball in Times Square.