photo by Chris Bosch

valentine

noun

a card sent, often anonymously, on St. Valentine's Day (February 14) to a person one loves or is attracted to.

• a person to whom one sends such a card or whom one asks to be one's sweetheart.ORIGIN late Middle English (denoting a person chosen (sometimes by lot) as a sweetheart or special friend): from Old French Valentin, from Latin Valentinus.

I kind of like the "anonymously" part. I remember back in grade school having to get my Mom to buy a pack those stupid little cards so I could go to school, fill them out for each of the other kids in the class and then act surprised when I opened all the cards given to me. I can remember opening the one from Kathy and feeling so cool that she sent me a valentine. Kathy actually sent me a valentine Mom, look. Mom would look at me so proud and happy.

She graciously did not remind me that it was a class assignment and my dream girl also sent one to every other kid in the class. Including the girls! Come to think of it, I sent them to all the other boys too. I wonder if that was any kind of a pre-indicator. Not that I would have objected to some girl on girl action in high school after Kathy started developing, but then by that time she was going to another school and I was getting confused. Oh shut up! You know what I mean. And if you don't then it tells me your still confused.

Yes, confused. How do I send a valentine to some guy I had an eye for without running the risk of getting caught "Out?" It was a bit disconcerting in my school. Everyone seemed to know everything about everyone else. And if they didn't there was this bitch named Rosa that took it as her mission in life to expose everyone's secrets to the entire school body. So how does a young gay teen send a valentine as a secret admirer without running the risk of being exposed to someone they don't want to know? Like the other guy who is your back-up valentine. Lets take a look at the options.

One: get your fag hag to go up to Mr. X and make small talk to size him up. This is a good option because fag hags are notoriously lesbian but afraid to go to a gay bar for the actual reason they are there. (To look at other girls, moron!) And that is also the reason it's safe to ask. They aren't supposed to be attracted to guys for the same reason you are. If they end up hitting it off on their own, then you get your answer right there. Unfortunately you need either another hag, or some Rogaine for your face so you can grow your own beard for future events.

Two: text messaging during class. Maybe not gym class but in general, if he stops paying attention to the teacher (it's an old bag anyway), then you have a chance of some interest. On the second text you use your name. If he sees it is a guy's name and keeps reading you have part of your answer. If he hides the phone while texting back, that's a real good sign. If he shuts the phone off with a disgusted look, then you have a not-so-good sign. If he gets called on by the old bag in front of the room and he tells the teach to wait a second while he sets up his date for the weekend, you're in!

Three: leave a note in the vent slot of his locker. If he opens it up, finds the note and smiles while slipping it into his pocket, that's a great sign. If he turns to his buds and starts speculating who could have put it there, back away from the water fountain slowly and leave the area immediately.

Four: the Internet. Anonymously stalk the guy until you know all kinds of things about him. This can include conversation about "those fags in band" while measuring his response. No, I will not explain how I know about band fags, nor will I tell you what instrument I played, but here's a hint: I learned how to blow. Once you have assessed his ability to be a gay valentine target, you IM him using your real name and pray he doesn't figure out you were the one stalking him. Or at least that he doesn't turn you down because he has been talking to this other cool guy on the Net, which was you in the first place. It gets a little bothersome being dumped for yourself, don't ya know?

But let's take a little bit of a serious look at Valentine's Day. The day itself is an overrated, overcommercialized, guilt trip ladened, superficial holiday established by confectioners and florists back in the eighteen hundreds during a marketing class being attended by Romeo and Juliet. (They took the class to be together.) Why do we have to be reminded by a calendar to show how we feel about someone? Now don't puke on me here, but Garth Brooks sings that we should "tell some one that you love, just what you're thinking of, if tomorrow never comes." That is so true. Why wait for one particular day? So Walgreens can sell tons of Valentines Day shit? No!

If you love someone, you should be telling him or her that in all those special little ways, everyday. Your homework for tonight, and the rest of the year, is to go up to the person (or people) you have feelings for and let them know.