Spring Cleaning

Cleaning out my closet is like cleaning out my life. At least that’s how it feels. I go through old T-shirts, books I’ve never read, tattered notes from high school girlfriends plastered with X’s and O’s (things that still linger, remnants of ghosts from my past; years of my life sitting in my closet—and, apparently, from when I was still actually in the closet).

I pull out anything and everything and can’t believe I still own half the junk I dig up. Yet I’m still tragically unable to throw most of this stuff out. Is it some paranoid sense that if I let these physical representations of my adolescence go that, in some way, I’m letting go of my history—forsaking my youth for the inevitability of adulthood? Or am I just a slovenly packrat, too compulsive to get rid of anything? Either way, this junk clutters my closet, and my life, and sometimes you just need to let things go.

It’s spring, a time of new beginnings and rejuvenation, a perfect time to re-assess life and take a look at where you are now and where you want to be going. So, it makes sense to start with cleaning out my closet (at least that’s what they say, and you know they say a lot), and not just the closet but everything. It’s at this time of the year that I get this overwhelming sense to cleanse my life—starting with my apartment if need be. I clean my bedroom, my bathroom (least favorite), swiffer the floors and under the couch, vacuum the carpets, clean out the cabinets in the kitchen and the storage unit full of shit I’ll never use, sort through ancient bills (unpaid and otherwise), pay those old parking tickets (ha, check that). O.K. things are starting to look up. I feel less cluttered already. Cleaning things out, whether in your life or your closet, enables you to make room for the new (out with the old and in with the new). And as I pile bags up for goodwill, I get this overwhelming sense of immediacy: I need clothes! And so, in true spring fashion, I do what any self respecting homo would do: go shopping. Everything is old and it’s spring and I need something new—new shirts (extra small of course), jeans (tattered, stressed or destroyed), shorts (seersuckers, board, and capris), boxer briefs (cute ones obviously), new earrings (gauged) and of course shoes, lots of shoes. Shit… I was supposed to be clearing out the clutter in my life and now I’m just adding; but, maybe, cleaning out your life involves a bit of adding to your life as well (not just cloths either… although they do help).

Next: I’m about to take a shower and it hits me all of a sudden. I need to shave. And I’m not just talking face here people, O.K. What was I thinking??? Was I hibernating this winter? Growing out my winter coat to stay warm in the blustery, harsh New England weather? Jesus. There’s just something about Spring that always slaps me in the face, wakes me up. It’s refreshing, but also makes me wonder what the hell I’ve been up to the past few months. Certainly I’ve been neglecting any manscaping rituals—a necessity in the warmth of Spring and Summer. And I can’t go to the beach looking like some primordial man out prowling the local gay cave. I grab the razor, shave the chest, trim the pits, and buzz the pubes—leaving the ass-hair, as I’ve decided (in the spirit of new beginnings) that I no longer want to be a bottom. So, as a little reminder to all, I leave that alone. It’s my very own home-grown DO NOT ENTER sign.

My place is clean, body is smooth (minus the ass) and I feel good. So why, then, am I not satisfied with this? Spring has always been a good time of contemplation for me. The birds are back, longer days creep toward us, the afternoon is warm and you can literally see life returning to the world around us—from the trees in the woods to the people filling the streets. It really is eye opening. The fog of winter is cast out and you seem to shed the filth of the past. It feels good to remove the clutter from your life, the physical stuff bogging down your existence. But is this enough? Can cleaning out my closet really tidy up my life?

You can definitely clean up the external (what’s around you), but then you’re still left with what’s inside you, this intrinsic self. I feel that it’s only through acting from this inner person that you can truly feel less cluttered, liberated in a sense from the external shit that permeates you everyday. Unless you can find that inner sense of self—what you believe in and what you hold as sacred—then I don’t think you can ever truly find your potential, no matter how much you clean out your closet. Sure, a clutter free apartment and some new clothes can make anyone feel better; the goal, however, is to not let these momentary sensations stand in the way of gaining a more sustainable happiness. Also, instead of reacting to what others expect of you (as with appearance), look for what brings you joy and satisfaction in life. Maybe that does, in fact, come from buying that new outfit or primping yourself to excess—just make sure you’re doing that for the right reasons, and not because it’s expected of you to be a certain way. The last thing you want to do is live according to others, simultaneously maintaining a perpetual state of unhappiness because you try to live up to their standards. Just because you look put-together, and just because your house/apartment is cleaned, organized, and in place—doesn’t necessarily mean, in any way, that you actually do have your shit together.